搞笑的高一英语阅读题

『壹』 高一英语短篇阅读理解试题(2)

(5)

An owl is a bird with very large eyes. Those eyes make the owl look clever. The owl can not move its eyes freely as people can. It can only look straight ahead (朝前). If it wants to look at both sides, it must turn its neck.

Owls see better at night than ring the day. At night they look for food. They eat mice and insects.

Owls make a strange noise because the owls sleep most of the day. They usually give their cries at night. The cry sounds like “Whoo! Whoo!”. This strange sound sometimes frightens people at night.

26. An owl looks clever because it can look straight ahead.

27. An owl looks for food at night because it sees better at night than ring the day.

28. An owl lives on all kinds of birds.

29. The cry of an owl is frightening.

30. Man must not kill owls because they are helpful to people.

26-30 B A B A A

(6)

Coffee has become the most popular American drink. Today people in the United States drink more coffee than people in any of the other countries. People drink coffee at breakfast, at lunch, at dinner and between meals. They drink hot coffee or coffee with ice in it. They drink it at work and at home. They eat coffee ice-cream and coffee candy. Coffee is black and very strong. Different people like to drink it in different ways. Some people like coffee with cream or sugar in it. Other people like coffee with both cream and sugar in it. In all ways it is served. Coffee has become an international drink.

31. Coffee is an ____________ drink.

A . interesting B. international C. ice-cream D. American

32. Different people like to drink coffee ____________.

A. at work or at home B. in different ways C. with cream or sugar D. between meals

33. Today Americans drink ____________ coffee than people in any of the other countries.

A. as much as B. less C. more D. most

34. “Coffee is black and very strong.” The word STRONG here means ____________.

A.坚固的 B.淡的 C.清的 D.浓的

35. ____________ is the most popular American drink.

A. Black tea B. Coffee C. Water with ice D. Whisky

31-35 B B C D B

(7)

Computers are useful machines. They can help people a lot in their everyday life. For example, they can help people save much time, and they can help people work out many problems they can’t do easily. Our country asks everyone to learn to use computers except the old people.

Today more and more families own computers. Parents buy computers for their children.

They hope computers can help them improve (提高) their studies in school. Yet many of the children use computers to play games, to watch video or to sing Karaoke, instead of studying. So many teachers and parents complain (抱怨) that computers can not help children to study but make them fall behind. So computers are locked by parents in the boxes.

In some other countries, even some scientists hate computers. They say computers let millions of people lost their jobs or bring them a lot of trouble.

Will computers really bring trouble to people or can they bring people happiness? It will be decided by people themselves.

36. Why do we say the computer is a useful machine? Because _______________.

A. our country asks us to learn it

B. it can help us a lot

C. we can use it to play games

D. it can help us to find jobs

37. What do many teachers and parents complain about? _______________.

A. Their students and children use computers to play games.

B. Computers let them lost their jobs.

C. Computers make the students and children fall behind.

D. Computers bring people a lot of trouble.

38. In this passage we know computers _______________.

A. also bring us trouble

B. bring us happiness only

C. are hated by people

D. are bad for people’s health

39. Can computers really help children to study? _______________.

A. Yes, they can. B. It’s hard to say C. No, they can’t. D. Of course not.

40. How do you understand the last sentence of this passage? I think it means _______.

A. computers are used by people

B. people can live well without computers

C. one must decide how to use computers

D. computers are strange machines

36-40 B C A A C

(8)

Once upon a time there lived an old man. He had three sons. One day, he called them together and said, "Sons, I will die soon. To my oldest son I give half my camels, to my second, one-third(三分之一), and to my youngest, one-ninth (九分之一)." Soon after that he died.

Now, the old man had seventeen camels, and the three brothers didn't know how to do as their father said. They thought a long time about the problem, and it seemed that they must either kill some of the camels and cut them into pieces, or disobey their father. At last they went to their father's old friend and asked for his advice. As soon as he heard their story, he said, "I will help you. I was a good friend of your father's. I am old. I have only one camel, but take it-it is yours."

The three sons thanked the old man and took his camel. Now they found it was easy to do as their father wished, The oldest took half- that was nine camels; the second took one-third, that was six; and the youngest took one-ninth, that was two.

After each had got his camels, they found that there was still a camel there. So, to show their thanks to their father's friend, they gave the camel back to him

41. "Once upon a time" means " ________".

A. long long ago B. not very long ago

C. at once D. sometimes

42. The meaning of "disobey" in the second paragraph is" ________".

A. 服从 B. 违背 C. 听从 D. 嘲笑

43. The meaning of "asked for his advice" in the second paragraph is " ________".

A. 向他请教 B. 问他数量 C. 批评他 D. 劝告他

44. The second old man ________the three brothers.

A. was good to B. was not good to C. didn't like D. cheated(哄骗)

45. Both the two old men in the story were ________.

A. foolish B. clever C. poor D. rich

41-45 A B A A B

(9)

Tom lived by himself a long way from town. He hardly went to town, but one day he went into town to buy a few things. After he bought them, he went into a restaurant and sat down at a table. When he looked around, he saw some old people put glasses on before reading their newspapers. So after lunch he decided to go to a shop to buy himself one pair, too. He walked along the road, and soon found a shop.

The man in the shop let him try on a lot of glasses, but Tom always said, "No, I can't read with these."

The man became puzzled (迷惑的) , and he said, "Excuse me, but can you read?"

"No, of course I can't!" Tom said angrily. "If I could read before, do you think I would come here to buy your glasses?"

46. Tom lived ______.

A. with his family B. near town C. in the country D. in town

47. Tom didn't go to town______.

A. never B. often C. sometimes D. sometime

48. Why did Tom decide to buy a pair of glasses?

A. Because he thought if he bought them, he could read.

B. Because they were very bright.

C. Because they were cheap.

D. Because he could read newspaper.

49. Tom went to the shop to ______.

A. have a rest B. have dinner C. wear glasses D. buy a pair of glasses

46-49 C B A D

(10)

We know mosquitoes very well. Mosquitoes fly everywhere. They can be found almost all over the world, and there are more than 2,500 kinds of them.

No one likes the mosquito. But the mosquito may decide if she loves you. She? Yes, she. The male mosquito doesn’t bite! Only the female mosquito bites because she needs blood to lay eggs. She is always looking for things or people she wants to bite. If she likes what she finds, she bites. But if she doesn’t like your blood, she will turn to someone else for more delicious blood. Next time a mosquito bites you, just remember you are chosen. You’re different from the others!

If the mosquito likes you, she lands on your body without letting you know. She bites you so quickly and quietly that you may not feel anything different. After she bites, you will have an itch(痒) on your body because she puts something from her mouth together with your blood. When the itch begins, she has flown away.

And then what happens? Well, after her delicious dinner, the mosquito feels tired. She wants to find a place to have a good rest. There, in a tree or on a wall, she begins to lay eggs, hundreds of eggs.

( )51.All the people don’t like mosquitoes.

( )52.All mosquitoes like to bite people for blood.

( )53.If a mosquito wants to bite you, it means she is very tired.

( )54.The mosquito bites you too quickly and quietly to let you know.

( )55.The itch begins after the mosquito flies away.

51-55 FFFTT

(12)

Do you know why different animals or pests(昆虫) have their special colours? Colours in them seem to be used mainly to protect themselves.

Some birds like eating locusts(蝗虫), but birds cannot easily catch them. Why? It is because locusts change their colours together with the change of the colours of crops(庄稼). When crops are green, locusts look green. But as the harvest (收获)time comes, locusts change to the same brown colour as crops have. Some other pests with different colours from plants are easily found and eaten by others. So they have to hide themselves for lives and appear only at night.

If you study the animal life, you’ll find the main use of colouring is to protect themselves. Bears, lions and other animals move quietly through forests. They cannot be easily seen by hunters. This is because they have the colours much like the tes.

Have you ever found an even more strange act? A kind of fish in the sea can send out a kind of very black liquid(液体) when it faces danger. While the liquid spreads over(散开), its enemies(敌人) cannot find it. And it immediately swims away. So it has lived up to now though it is not strong at all.

( )56.From the passage we learn that locusts________.

A. are small animals

B. are easily found by birds

C. are dangerous to their enemies

D. change their colours to protect themselves

( )57.How can pests with different colours from plants keep out of danger?

A. They run away quickly.

B. They have the colours much like their enemies.

C. They hide themselves by day and appear at night.

D. They have to move quietly.

( )58.Bears and lions can keep safe because________.

A. they have the colours much like the trees

B. they move quietly

C. they like brown and grey colours

D. they live in forests

( )59.Why can the kind of fish live up to now?

A. Because it is very big and strong.

Because the liquid it sends out can help it escape from its enemies.

B. Because the liquid it sends out can kill its enemies.

C. Because it swims faster than any other fish.

( )60.Which is the best title for this passage?

A. The Change of Colours for Animals and Pests.

B. Colours of Different Animals and pests.

C. The Main Use of Colours for Animals and Pests.

D. Some Animals and Pests.

56-60 D C A B C

『贰』 麻烦帮我提供些超级搞笑的英语短文,要高一学生看得懂的,谢谢

1,Two birls

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟

老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？

学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老师：请说说看。

学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

2. The Fish Net

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

鱼网

"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。

"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。

3. The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

新老师

9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。

"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。

"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"

4. A physics Examination

Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?

Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

一次物理考试

在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。

这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？

尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后

5.You looked a lot like my wife

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."
"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

6. I Could Use a Little Money

Dear Father,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply don't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on.

After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

7.Two thousand five hundred!"

Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."

There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"

8.Is John Listening?

Teacher: John, why aren't you listening?
John: But, teacher, I am listening!
Teacher: If you were listening, tell me what I said.
John: You said, "John, why aren't you listening?"

9. Keys to one Success

One day a father was teaching his son and said, "The keys to your success are keeping your word and cleverness.

Once you promise somebody a promise, you must carry it out on matter what will happen. This is called 'keeping one's word.'

"What is cleverness? asked his son.

"Cleverness is that you'll never make such a promise, " the father answered.

10.I always do

Two motorists stopped head-on on a bridge too narrow for their cars to pass.

"I never back up for an idiot." said one driver angrily.

"I always do." replied the other as he shifted into reverse.

11.He told me to see you

Doctor: And whom did you consult about your illness before you came to me?

Patient: Only the druggist down at the corner.

Doctor: And what sort of ridiculous advice did he gave you?

Patient: He told me to see you!

12.How are you？ 翻译：怎么是你呀？
How old are you? 怎么老是你呀？

13.某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。
一日上街不慎与一老外相撞，
忙说：I am sorry.
老外应道：I am sorry too.
某人听后又道：I am sorry three.
老外不解，问：What are you sorry for?
某人无奈，道：I am sorry five.

14.A 747 was halfway across the Atlantic when the captain got on the loud speaker, "Attention, passengers. We have lost one of our engines, but we can certainly reach London with the three we have left. Unfortunately, we will arrive an hour late as a r esult."
Shortly thereafter, the passengers heard the captain's voice again, "Guess what, folks. We just lost our third engine, but please be assured we can fly with only one. We will now arrive in London three hours late."
At this point, one passenger became furious. "For Pete's sake," he shouted, "If we lose another engine, we'll be up here all night!"

只剩一个引擎

一架747客机正在跨越大西洋时，喇叭里传来了机长的声音：“旅客们请注意，我们的四个引擎中有一个丢失了。但剩下的三个引擎会把我们带到伦敦的。只是我们要因此晚到一小时 。” 过了一会儿，旅客们又听到机长的声音：“各位，你们猜怎么啦 ？我们刚又掉了第三个引擎。但请你们相信好了。只有一个引擎我们也能飞，但要晚三个小时了。” 正在这时，一位乘客非常气愤地说：“看在上帝的份上，如果我们再掉一个引擎，我们就要整夜都要呆在天上了。”

15.
"Doctor," she said loudly, bouncing into the room, "I want you to say frankly what's wrong with me."
He surveyed her from head to foot. "Madam," he said at length, "I've just three things to tell you. First, your weight wants recing by nearly fifty pounds. Second, your beauty could be improved if you used about one tenth as much rouge and lipstick. And third, I'm an artist---the doctor lives downstairs."

医生住在楼下
“医生”她冲进屋后大声说道。
“我想让你坦率地说我到底得了什么病。”
他从头到脚打量打量她，然后大声说：“太太，我有三件事要对你说。第一，您的体重需要减少大约50磅；第二，如果您要用上十分之一的胭脂和口红，您的美貌将会改变。第三，我是一位画家——医生住在楼下。”

16.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
On my return, I noticed that how sty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out."The woman who loves you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield."
My husband looked up and said, "Mom's here?"

哪一位女人？
一天晚上我开着丈夫的车去购物，回来后发现车身沾满灰尘，于是擦洗了一阵。当我终于走进屋里时大声喊：“世界上最爱你的女人刚擦洗了你的车灯和挡风玻璃。”
我丈夫抬头看了看，说：“妈妈来了？”
17.
A bit of advice for those about to retire. If you are only 65, never move to a retirement community. Everybody else is n their 70s, 80s, or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded, they yell,"Get the kid."

忠告“年轻者”
这里想对将要退休者提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，
千万别进退休社区。因为那里人人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们就叫喊，“让小的干吧。”
18.
The notorious cheap skate finally decided to have a party. Explaining to a friend how to find his apartment, he said, "Come up to 5M and ring the doorbell with your elbow. When the door open, push with your foot."
"Why use my elbow and foot?"
"Well, gosh," was the reply, "You're not coming empty-hangded, are you?"

吝啬鬼请客
一个出了名的吝啬鬼终于决定要请一次客了。他在向一个朋友解释怎么找到他家时说：“你上到五楼，找中间那个门，然后用你的胳膊肘按门铃。门开了之后，再用你的脚把门推开。
“为什么要用我的肘和脚呢？”
“你的双手得拿礼物啊。天哪，你总不会空着手来吧？”吝啬鬼回答。

19.
-- Waiter, this lobster has only one claw.
-- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight.
-- Well, bring me the winner then.

给我那个打赢的吧
-- 服务员，这个龙虾只有一只爪。
-- 对不起，先生，这只肯定打过架了。
-- 哦， 那给我那个打赢的吧。
20.
Mrs. Brown: Oh, my dear, I have lost my precious little dog!
Mrs. Smith: But you must put an advertisement in the papers!
Mrs. Brown: It's no use, my little dog can't read.

我的狗不识字
布朗夫人：哦，
亲爱的，我把珍爱的小狗给丢了！
史密斯夫人：可是你该在报纸上登广告啊！
布朗夫人：没有用的，我的小狗不认识字。”
21.
Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked each note carefully to see if the money was real. It made the old lady out of patience.
At last she could not hold any more, uttering. "Trust me, Sir, and trust the money. They are real US dollars. They are directly from America."

它们是从美国直接带来的
一位中国老妇人在美国看望女儿回来不久，到一家市银行存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真检查了每一张钞票，看是否有假。
这种做法让老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍耐不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，它们是从美国直接带来的。”
22.
He is really somebody

-- My uncle has 1000 men under him.
-- He is really somebody. What does he do?
-- A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一个大人物
-- 我叔叔下面有1000个人。
-- 他真是一个大人物。干什么的?
-- 墓地守墓人。

23.

What's the difference between a monkey and a flea?

A: A monkey can have fleas, but a flea can't have monkeys.

猴子会和跳蚤有什么不同呢？你可能会直接的想到它们俩是一大一小。但除此之外呢，那就是猴子身上可以长跳蚤，而跳蚤身上却不能有猴子。这个答案很有意思吧？

Q: How can you most irritate a farmer?

A: By treading on his corn?

如果你踩了农夫的玉米或是谷物，他肯定会生气的；而如果你踩了农夫脚底的鸡眼，他会更生气。Corn既可以表示“玉米/谷物”，也有“鸡眼”的意思。

Q: Which is the strongest creature in the world?

A: The snail. It carries its house on its back.

因为snail（蜗牛）的后背上总是背着一所房子，所以说蜗牛是世界上最强壮的生物是不足为奇的。你说呢？

Q: What do people do in a clock factory?

A: They make faces all day.

一看到make faces这个短语，你可千万别以为是在钟表厂工作的人整天都做鬼脸呀！因为除了这个意思以外，它还可以从字面上解释为制造钟面。

Q: How do you stop a sleepwalker from walking in his sleep?

A: Keep him awake.

怎样才能不让梦游者（sleepwalker）梦游（walk in his sleep）呢？最简单的方法就是不让他睡觉。虽然这不是治疗方法，但如果让梦游者醒着呢，他的确就不会去梦游了。

24.
One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.

Girl: Father, I have sinned.

Preacher: What did you do, little girl¡

Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a son of a Bitch.

Preacher: Why¡ What did he do to you¡

Girl: He touched my breast.

Preacher: You mean like this¡ (The guy did it.)

Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.

Preacher: Thats no reason to call him that.

Girl: But he also took off my cloth.

Preacher: You mean like this¡ (He did it again.)

Girl: Yes, thats what he did.

Preacher: Thats still no reason to call him that.

Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...

Preacher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this¡ (And you-know-what)

Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, thats what he did...

Preacher: My dear girl, thats still no reason to call him a...

Girl: But he had AIDS!!

Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!

『叁』 我求一些英语阅读的笑话~~~尽量就是小短文~~~谁能帮帮我啊

搜就好了啊
这是我查到的

1、How much English can you speak?

"Your Honor, I want to bring to your attention how unfair it is for my client to be accused of theft. He arrived in New York City a week ago and barely knew his way around. What's more, he only speaks a few words of English."
The judge looked at the defendant and asked, "How much English can you speak?"
The defendant looked up and said, "Give me your wallet!"

中文翻译
"法官先生，我的当事人被指控偷窃，这是多么不公正啊。他一周前才来到纽约，几乎不认路。而且，他只会说几个英语单词。"
法官看了看被告，问道："你会说多少英文？"
被告抬起头，说："把你的钱包给我！"

2

A husband, proving to his wife that women talk more than men, showed her a study which indicated that men use on average only 15000 words a day, whereas women use 30000 words a day. She thought about this for a while and then told her husband that women use twice as many words as men because they have to repeat everything they say.
He said, "What?"
丈夫给妻子看了一项调查结果，为了向她证明女人比男人啰嗦。研究表明男人平均每天使用15000个字，而女人每天使用30000个。
妻子想了一会儿说，女人每天说的字数是男人的两倍，因为她们必须重复已经说过的话。
他问："什么？"

3

Boy: Is this seat empty?
Girl: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
男孩：这个座位是空的么？
女孩：是的，如果你坐下，我的座位也将是空的。

4、

"Tom, what's the matter with your brother?" asked the mother in the kitchen. "He's crying."
"Oh, nothing, Mum," replied Tom. "I'm eating my cake. He is crying because I won't give him any."
"But has he finished his own cake?"
"Yes." said Tom. "And he also cried when I was helping him finish that."
"汤姆，你弟弟怎么了？" 妈妈在厨房里问。"他在哭。"
"没事儿，妈妈，" 汤姆答道。"我在吃我的蛋糕。他哭是因为我不给他吃。"
"他已经吃完自己的了么？"
"是的。" "我帮他吃完时，他也哭了。"

2009-6-7

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"
路人甲对路人乙说，"猜猜我兜里有几个子儿？"
路人乙说："我猜对了，你能给我一个不？"
路人甲说："你要猜对了，我两个全部给你！"

2009-6-6研究生和本科生的区别

"I can always tell a graate class from an undergraate class," said an instructor at a university graate engineering course. "When I say 'Good afternoon,' the undergraates respond 'Good afternoon.' But the graate students just write it down."
一个教师在研究生工程学课堂上说："我一眼就能看出来哪些是本科生，哪些是研究生。" "我说'下午好'的时候，本科生回答'下午好'，而研究生则把这句话记在本子上。"

2009-6-5

Dad: Tom, please tell me, which month has 28 days?
Tom: Every month.
爸爸：告诉我汤姆，哪个月有28天呢？
汤姆：每个月都有啊！

2009-6-4making faces

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child I was told if I made ugly faces, my face would freeze and stay like that". Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
史密斯小姐发现她的一名学生在操场上向别人做鬼脸，便去轻责他。
这位主日学校的老师甜甜地微笑着，说："博比，我小的时候，有人告诉我如果我做鬼脸，我的脸就会僵硬，永远都那么丑。"
博比抬头看了看老师，说："史密斯小姐，你可别说没人警告过你啊。"

2009-6-3

A guy goes to visit his grandma and he brings his friend with him.
While he's talking to his grandma, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandma, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off."
一名男子带着朋友去探望他的祖母。
当他和祖母聊天时，他的朋友开始吃咖啡桌上放的花生，并把花生都给吃光了。
他们离开时，他的朋友对祖母说:"谢谢您的花生。"
结果祖母说:"唉！自从我牙齿掉光后，我就只能吮掉花生豆外层的巧克力了。"

2009-6-2

A father was trying to teach his son the evils of alcohol.
He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey curled up and died.
"All right, son," asked the father, "What does that show you?"
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."
一位父亲打算让自己的儿子知道酒精有多么可怕。
他把分别把两只虫子放到一杯清水和一杯威士忌里做对比。清水里虫子安然无恙，结果威士忌里的虫子蜷缩了几下就挂掉了。
"所以，儿子啊，"父亲问道，"得出什么结论？"
"恩，这说明，你只要喝酒的话，肚里就不会长虫了！"

2009-6-1

Looking very unhappy, a poor man entered a doctor's consulting-room.

"Doctor," he said, "you must help me. I swallowed a penny about a month ago."

"Good heavens, man!" said the doctor. "Why have you waited so long? Why don't you come to me on the day you swallowed it?"

"To tell you the truth, Doctor," the poor man replied, "I didn't need the money so badly then."

中文翻译：

一个看起来很难受的穷人走进大夫的诊室。

"大夫！"他说，"帮帮我！一个月前我吞了一分硬币！"

"天哪，"大夫说，"早干嘛去了？你当时怎么不来看？"

"实话告诉您吧，大夫，"穷人说，"我当时还不缺钱！"

2009-5-31

Boy: Hi, didn't we go on dates before? Onec or twice?
Girl: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
男孩：嗨，我们之前是不是约会过，是一次还是两次，我忘记了。
女孩：应该只有一次吧，我从不犯两次同样的错误。

2009-5-30

In an entrance examination of a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, "What is the most important physiological quality of a musician?"
"To be deaf," replied the boy.
"Nonsense!" said the teacher angrily.
"Why, sir! Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven was deaf?" the boy asked in reply disdainfully.
在一次音乐学院的入学考试中，老师问其中一个男孩："音乐家最重要的生理素质是什么？"
"耳聋，"男孩答道。
"胡说！"老师气愤地说。
"怎么了，先生！难道您不知道大名鼎鼎的音乐家贝多芬是个聋子吗？"男孩轻蔑地反问道。

2009-5-28

A man sat at a bar, had the saddest hangdog expression.
Bartender: "What's the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?"
The man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn't going to speak to me for a month."
Bartender: "That should make you happy."
The man: "No, the month is up today!"
一个男人坐在酒吧里，伤心至极。
酒吧招待："你怎么了？跟老婆闹矛盾了？"
男人："我们吵了一架，她说一个月都不跟我说话。"
酒吧招待："那你应该高兴才是啊！"
男人："不，今天是这个月的最后一天。"

【Laughter】2009-5-27
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
女人找了老公之前都在担忧未来。男人娶了老婆之前从来不为未来担忧。

2009-5-26

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
男人想要的东西，要是值1块钱却卖2块，他也会买；而对于女人，即使是不想要的东西，要是值2块钱却只卖1块，她也会买。

2009-5-25

The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students and vice versa. "Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the 2nd time will be fined $60. Being caught a 3rd time will incur a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this moment, a male student in the crowd inquires, "Umm...How much for a season pass?"
女生宿舍将全面禁止男生进入，男生宿舍也同样不得女生光临。
"不论是谁，一旦违规，初犯将被罚款20美元。再犯要被罚款60美元。第3次被抓需要交180美元的罚款。还有什么疑问么？"
这时人群中一个男同学问道，"那么一个季度通行证需要多少钱？"

2009-5-24

Boy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Actually I'd rather have the money.
男孩：我可以给你买杯饮料吗？
女孩：你不如直接把钱给我得了。

2009-5-22

Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today.
Patient: It should. I've been practicing all night.
医生：听上去你咳嗽今天好多了。
病人：应该如此。我昨晚练习了一整夜。

2009-5-21

Pete: "The last time I was out hunting, I stepped off a high cliff, and would you believe it, while I was falling every fool deed I'd ever done came into my mind."
Bob: "Must have been a pretty high mountain you fell from."
皮特："我上次出去打猎，跌下了很高的悬崖，信不信由你，当我跌落的时候，我脑海里浮现了我做过的所有蠢事。"
鲍勃："你一定是从万丈高山上跌落的吧。"

2009-5-19

Spending the night with their grandparents, 2 young boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers at bedtime. The younger boy began praying at the top of his lungs:"I PRAY FOR A BIKE... I PRAY FOR A NEW DVD..."
His older brother nudged him and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
2个男孩与祖父母一起过夜，他们跪在床边做睡前祷告。弟弟声嘶力竭地祈祷: "我祈求一辆自行车，一张新DVD……"
哥哥用肘轻推他: "你为什么大喊着祈祷？上帝又不聋。"
弟弟答道:"上帝是不聋，但是奶奶聋。"

2009-5-18

A cop spotted a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Coming up beside her, he said, "Pull over!"
"No," she replied, "a pair of socks!"
巡警发现一名妇女边开车边织毛衣，便开车上前，说："靠边停车(套头衫)！"
"不，" 她回答，"是一双袜子！"

『肆』 高一英语阅读理解题及答案

高一英语阅读理解题及答案

在平时做题时一定要锻炼自己在阅读时的速度，因为阅读要求速度与准确度的'完美结合。下面是我整理的高一英语阅读理解答案，希望能帮到大家!

高一英语阅读理解题【1】

More and more often we heard of people talking about Karaoke(卡拉OK)。 But what on earth it is about， still remains a question for many people. Karaoke is a sort of acoustic equipment which was invented in Japan around the middle of the 1970's. It means "a band without people" in Japanese. In fact， it is just a music tape without words. This equipment first appeared in some public houses and snack bars， and mainly for the customers to enjoy themselves. Most of the music in Karaoke was popular music. Therefore， at times， when anyone felt like it， he might sing songs to the accompaniment of the music that came from the equipment. Shortly after its invention， Karaoke was spread to the whole world. It was introced to China and was welcomed by many people. Although you are not a good singer， or even sometimes you may sing out of tune， you can always enjoy yourself by singing Karaoke.

70. In this passage "band" means "group of persons ________."

A. who play games on the sports ground

B. who play music together

C. living in the same neighborhood

D. doing things together under a leader and with a common purpose

71. Karaoke is just a ______.

A. cassette tape with only music

B. cassette tape recorder

C. band from Japan

D. voice recording equipment

72. People went to public houses and snack bars ______when Karaoke appeared.

A. to have a good time

B. to have something to drink

C. to get something to eat

D. to buy the equipment

73. Karaoke was spread to the whole world ________.

A. as soon as it was invented

B. long before

C. not long after it was invented

D. before long

74. The main idea of this passage is ______.

A. all persons like to play Karaoke

B. to introce Karaoke to the people

C. Karaoke is a wonderful equipment

D. Karaoke is used everywhere including snack bars

答案：BAACC

高一英语阅读理解题【2】

I really love my job because I enjoy working with small children and like the challenges and awards from the job. I also think my work is important. There was a time when I thought I would never have that sort of career(职业)。

I wasn‘t an excellent student because I didn’t do much schoolwork. In my final term I started thinking what I might do and found I didn‘t have much to offer. I just accepted that I wasn’t the type to have a career.

I then found myself a job， looking after two little girls. It wasn‘t too bad at first. But the problems began when I agreed to live in， so that I would be there if my boss had to go out for business in the evening. We agreed that if I had to work extra hours one week， she’d give me time off the next. But unfortunately， it didn‘t often work out. I was getting extremely tired and fed up， because I had too many late nights and early mornings with the children.

One Sunday， I was in the park with the children， and met Megan who used to go to school with me. I told her about my situation. She suggested that I should do a course and get a qualification(资格证书)if I wanted to work with children. I didn‘t think I would be accepted because I didn’t take many exams in school. She persuaded me to phone the local college and they were really helpful. My experience counted for a lot and I got on a part-time course. I had to leave my job with the family， and got work helping out at a kindergarten.

Now I‘ve got a full-time job there. I shall always be thankful to Megan. I wish I had known earlier that you could have a career， even if you aren’t top of the class at school.

56. When staying with the two girls‘ family，the author ________.

A. was paid for extra work

B. often worked long hours

C. got much help from her boss

D. took a day off every other week

57. Why did the author leave her first job?

A. She found a full-time job.

B. She was fed up with children.

C. She decided to attend a part-time course.

D. She needed a rest after working extra hours.

58. What has the author learned from her own experiences?

A. Less successful students can still have a career.

B. Qualifications are necessary for a career.

C. Hard work makes an excellent student.

D. One must choose the job she like.

答案：BCA

高一英语阅读理解题【3】

Guangzhou (Xinhua)——12 people were killed and 20 injured early yesterday morning when they jumped from a burning train car into the path of an oncoming goods train in Southern China. When No. 247 Wuchang——Guangzhou passenger train was passing the Dayaoshan Tunnel in Guangdong Province， South China at 00 ：17 hours yesterday， a fire caused by passengers' smoking broke out on No. 17 car. They wanted to extinguish fire. As the train stopped some frightened passengers jumped from windows. 12 people were crushed to death and 20 others injured by a northward passing goods train(No. 1766)。

75. In which direction did the passenger train travel?

A. Northward.

B. Southward.

C. Eastward.

D. Westward.

76. When did the accident happen?

A. At 00：17 am.

B. At 00：17 pm.

C. At seventeen past one.

D. At seventeen to one.

77. Where did the accident happen?

A. In Wuchang.

B. In Guangzhou.

C. In Hubei.

D. In Guangdong.

78. For what did the passenger train stop?

A. To put out the fire.

B. To let the passengers jump out.

C. To let the other train pass.

D. To pick up some other passengers.

79. What was the cause of the fire?

A. A heavy rain.

B. High temperature.

C. Carelessness.

D. Fear.

答案： BADAC

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『伍』 超级搞笑英语笑话小短文

笑话受欢迎的原因当然在于其笑果。那么,笑竖陵话是如何产生的呢?就像文学源于生活一样,笑话也是源于生活。下面是我带来的，欢迎阅读!
篇一
给予与提取

My friend's preparations for a visit from her children included a trip to the bank. Waiting in line at the teller's window, she lamented to the middle-aged man behind' her,"My children are in their 20's，and I'm still giving them money. When does it end?"

我的朋友为其子女的光临做着一些准备工作。这些工作余蠢戚当然包括要到银行去一超。当她在出纳员的窗外排队等候时，她对她身后的一位中年男子说:“我的孩子们都20多岁了，可我仍然得给他们钱。这种事什么时候才算完呢?”

"I'm not sure，"the man replied while glancing unfortably at a paper in his hand，"but I`m not the one to ask. I'm here to deposit a check my mother gave me."

“我可不知道。”那位男子边回答边不安地看着手里拿着的那张纸。“我可不是你该问的人，我到这儿是来支取我妈妈给我的支票的。”
篇二
妻子的欲望

A woman and her hu *** and were out shopping when she realized that she needed to purchase some hair color for her graying hair.

一位女士在与他的丈夫购物时，她意识到她该为她的灰白头发买些染发水了。

"When are you going to stop buying that expensive stuff ,"plained the hu *** and."and let your hair go gray like Barbara Bush?"

她丈夫抱怨说:“你什么时候才能停止买那些昂贵的东西，而让你的头发长成像芭芭拉.布什***总统夫人***的头发那样灰白呢?”

"The day that you're inaugurated,"the wife replied.

“那就要等到你就职的那天了。”妻子说。
篇三
一物降一物”

"It's annoying when my dentist starts up a conversation while he's working on my teeth，"one guy said to another.

一个人对另一个人说:“当我的牙医陪我看牙时，他总是跟我聊天。这真让我心烦。”

"I know just what you mean，”replied his friend. "But my Uncle Edgar used to drive this dentist crazy.'

档逗他的朋友回答说:“我明白你的意思，但我的叔叔艾德加就曾使这位牙医不知所措。”

"How so?"

“怎么会这样呢?”

"He was a ventriloquist."

“他是个口技演员。”
篇四
狼的故事

After two sleepless nights in a noisy campground，my wife and I were dreading another evening of radios and singslongs. Then a middle-aged couple pulled into the space beside us. While the wife prepared dinner，her hu *** and mounted two huge loud speakers on the roof of their camper. We crouched by our fire,waiting for the first blast of whatever these people considered music. To our surprise,the speakers remained silent，and just as the partiers were getting into full swing，our neighbors retired for the evening. We decided to do the same，although there seemed little chance of sleeping.

吵闹的宿营地使我和我老婆两个晚上都无法入睡。我们真担心第三个晚上的收音机声和唱歌声。接着，一对中年夫妇又在我们的附近找到了块儿地方呆了下来。女的做饭时，男的在他的帐顶上架起两个扩音器。我们围火而坐，等待着音乐一响出现的第一次喧闹。出乎我们的意料，扩音器没有任何声响。正当参加舞会的人进入 *** 时，我们的这两位邻居已开始休息了。虽然我们睡意还未到，我们还是决定睡觉。

As our tent was throbbing to a rock number，a low moan became audible，developing into an unmistakable wolf howl. It was soon joined by others in rising and falling harmonies. After reaching peak volume，the wild chorus faded quickly to utter silence. The campground was deathly quiet for what seemed like ages，and then a deep but pleasant voice said，"Relax，folks，it's just a recording. Good night."

我们的帐篷随着摇滚乐在颤动，这时好像还伴随着呜咽声，靳渐地这种叫声已无疑地变成了儿狼嚎。这种狼嚎声很快又掺进了其他的此起彼伏的和弦，一直到了极点。之后这种疯狂的叫喊声刹然而止，整个营地好像度过了几个时代的死一般的寂静后，一个深沉而又悦耳的声音传了出来:“各位，别紧张，这只是录音，晚安。”
篇五
聪明的孩子

It was the first day of school and a new student,the son of a Japanese busines *** an,entered the fourth grade.The teacher greeted the class and said，“Let’begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me liberty，or give me death'?"

开学的头一天，四年级来了一个新生。这是一个日本商人的儿子。老师跟全班打了招呼，并说:“我们先来复习一些美国的历文。谁曾经说过‘要么就让我死，要么就给我自由’?”

She saw only a sea of blank faces except for that of Toshiba，who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry，1775,"said the boy.“Now，”said the teacher,“Who said 'Government of the people，by the people，for the people shall not perish from the earth'?”

老师看到的好像是一片空白的脸，只有那位“东芝”举了手回答说:“亨利·柏垂克，1775年。”

Again, no response except from Toshiba:”Abraharn Lincoln，1863. "

老师又说:“好，谁说过‘民有、民治、民享的 *** 不会从地球土消失’?”

The teacher snapped at the class，"You should be ashamed. Toshiba，who is new to our country，knows more about it than you do."

然而除了东芝以外全班仍没有任何反应。

As she turned to write something on the blackboard，she heard a loud whisper:"Damned Japanese.”

“林肯， 1863年。”

"Who said that?"she demanded.

老师冲著全班打了一个响指说:“你们应感到害躁，这个新来我们国家的东芝比你们知道的都多。”

Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Jacocca，1982. "he said.

当老师在黑板上写字时，听到一声咒骂:“该死的日本人!”

老师问:“谁说的?”

『陆』 高一英语阅读训练题及参考答案

阅读理解在高一英语考试中占有很大的分值，坚持英语阅读训练是每天必做的功课。下面我为大家带来高一英语阅读训练题，供大家阅读练习。
高一英语阅读训练题***一***
Grandma was a wonderful story-teller, and she had a set of priceless, indivially ***独特地*** tailored stories with which American grandparents of her day brought up children. There was the story of the little boys who had been taught plete, quick obedience ***服从***. One day when they were out on the grassy plain, their father shouted. “Fall down on your faces!” They did, and the terrible prairie***草原*** fire swept over them and they weren’t hurt. There was also the story of three boys at school, each of whom received a cake sent from home. One saved his, and the mice ate it; one ate all of his , and he got sick; and who do you think had the best time? —Why, of course, the one who shared his cake with his friends.

1. What is the main idea of this passage?

A. Children should obey their parents quickly.

B. Children should share with others.

C. The author remembers many of her grandma’s wonderful stories.

D. The grandma’s stories helped teach the children morals and good manners.

2. Which of the following details supports the main idea of the passage?

A. The children were saved from the fire because they followed directions.

B. Grandma told a story of three boys at school.

C. Each of the three boys got a cake sent from home.

D. The big prairie fire soon spread over to the village.

3. Which of the following statements is true?

A. The author was saved from the fire.

B. The author was brought up from his grandmother.

C. Grandma was good at telling children stories.

D. Grandma told stories to children just for fun.

4. All of the following were not praised by the author except ___________.

A. the boy who shared his cake with others

B. the boy who ate up all his cake by himself

C. the boy who kept the cake for the future

D. the boys who didn’t obey their parents

5. According to this passage, the underlined word tailored probably means __________.

A. measured B. specially prepared C. cut D. invented
高一英语阅读训练题答案
1D 2 A 3 C 4 A 5 B
高一英语阅读训练题***二***
When we see well, we do not think about our eyes very often. It is only when we cannot see perfectly that we realize how important our eyes are.

People who are near-sighted can only see things that are very close to their eyes, Everything else seems blurry***=unclear***. Many people who do a lot of work, such as writing, reading and sewing bee near—sighted. Then

People who are far-sighted suffer from just the opposite problem. They can see things that are far away, but they have difficulty in reading a book unless they hold it at arm’s length. If they want to do much reading ,they must get glasses, too.

Other people do not see clearly because their eyes are not exactly the right shape. They have what is called astigmati *** ***散光***. This, too, can be corrected by glasses. Some people’s eyes bee cloudy because of cataracts ***白内障***. Long ago these people often became blind. Now, however, it is possible to operate on the cataracts and remove them.

Having two good eyes is important for judging distances. Each eye sees things from a slightly different angle ***角度***. To prove this to yourself, look at an object our of one eye; then look at the same object out of your other eye. You will find the object’s relation to the background and other things around it has changed. The difference between these two different eye views helps us to judge how far away an object is. People who have only one eye cannot judge distance as people with two eyes.

1. We should take good care of our eyes .

A. only when we can see well

B. only when we cannot see perfectly

C. even if we can see well

D. only when we realize how important our eyes are

2. When things far away seem indistinct***模糊不清*** , one is probably .

A. near-sighted B. far-sighted

C. astigmatic D. suffering from cataracts

3. The underlined word suffer in the third paragraph probably means .

A. experience B. imagine

C. feel pain D. are affected with

4. Having two eyes instead of one is particularly useful for .

A. seeing at night B. seeing objects far away

C. looking over a wide area D. judging distances

5. People who suffer from astigmati *** have .

A. one eye bigger than the other

B. eyes that are not exactly the right shape

C. a difficulty that can be corrected by an operation

D. an eye difficulty that cannot be corrected by glasses
高一英语阅读训练题答案
1C 2 A 3 D 4 D 5 B

『柒』 幽默类的英语短文阅读

随着经济全球化的发展和国际交往的日益频繁,语言成为人们互相交流的重要桥梁。英语教学已成为各级学校的重点教学内容。本文是幽默类的英语短文，希望对大家有帮助!
幽默类的英语短文：Be Careful What You Wish For
A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day.

During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the hu *** and's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety.

慎重许愿

一对结婚25周年的夫妻在庆祝他们六十岁的生日。他们恰好在同一天出生。

庆祝活动中，一位仙女出现了。她说，由于他们是已经结婚25年的恩爱夫妻，因此她给许给这对夫妻每个人一个愿望。

妻子想周游世界。仙女招了招手。“呯!”的一声，她的手中出现了一张票。

接下来该丈夫许愿了。他犹豫片刻，害羞地说，“那我想要一位比我年轻30岁的女人。”

仙女拾起了魔术棒。“呯!”，他变成了90岁。
幽默类的英语短文：Reached Shore Fast 快速靠岸
A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance.

He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday."

A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location."

"I-75, two miles south of Standish."

After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"

在休伦湖钓完鱼后，我的一个朋友开车拖着他的船回家。路上车坏了。他没带手机，不过，他想，也许他可以通过海事无线广播来请求公路援助。

于是，他爬到他的船里面，启动了无线装置，喊道，“求救，求救”。

一名海岸护卫队警官作出了回应，“报告你的位置”。

“I-75号公路，Standish的南面两英里”。

沉默了好一会之后，警官问我的朋友，“你的船靠岸时开得有多快?”
幽默类的英语短文：Friend for Dinner
Honey, said the hu *** and to his wife, I invited a friend home for supper.

What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I havent been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I dont feel like cooking a fancy meal!

I know all that.

Then why did you invite a friend for supper?

Because the poor fools thinking about getting married.

请朋友吃饭

“亲爱的，”丈夫对妻子说：“我邀请了一位朋友回家吃晚饭。”

“什么?你疯了吗?我们的房子乱糟糟的，我很久没有买过东西回来了，所有的碗碟都是脏的，还有，我可不想做一餐累死人的晚饭。”

“这些我全都知道。”

“那你为什么还要邀请朋友回来吃晚饭?”

“因为那个可怜的笨蛋正考虑要结婚呢。”
幽默类的英语短文：A Peddler of Selling Earthen Basins ***卖瓦盆的小贩***
A peddler sold earthen basins in the wayside, he chanted as knocked :"Earthen basin is round, beautiful and solid, judging by the sound, they are all good." At the time of his knocking, that earthen basin was broken into pieces with a crack***爆裂声*** . Lookers-on burst into the roars of laughter. He threw the fragments***碎片，残片*** without extra trouble into paddy***稻谷，稻田*** field, but an experienced peasant from the crowd did not let him off***放过，不惩罚*** easily:" How the deuce ***强式特指问句*** can you throw them into my field? They’ll impede ***妨碍***my growing crops!" The peddler who sold earthen basins tried to explain it away promptly:" Nothing, the fragments will be converted into powder as soon as they absorbed water ."

一个小贩在路边卖瓦盆，他一边敲一边唱：“瓦盆圆又圆，结实又好看，光听这声音，就知不一般。”敲著敲著，“啪啦”一声，把盆敲烂了。围观的人一阵哄笑。他顺手把碎片扔进了稻田里，谁知人群中一个老农不干了：“你怎么能往我地里扔?这不影响我种田吗?” 卖瓦盆的小贩连忙辩解：“不要紧，瓦片见水一会儿就粉了。”

『捌』 关于搞笑的英语短文阅读

随着全球化经济步伐的加快和跨文化交流的频繁,专业英语能力成为了高等专门人才的必备能力素质。本文是关于搞笑的英语短文，希望对大家有帮助!

关于搞笑的英语短文：谁最懒 Who Is the Laziest

Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?

Tom: I don't know, father.

Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and writing, who sits in the class and only watches how other people work?

Tom: Our teacher, father.

中文：

父亲：哎，汤姆，今天我跟你们老师谈顷敬雀过，现在我想问你个问题。你们班上谁最懒?

汤姆：我不知道，爸爸。

父亲：啊，不对，你知道!想想看，当别的孩子们都在做作业、写字时，谁在课堂上坐着，只是看人家做功课?

汤姆：我们老师，爸爸。

关于搞笑的英语短文：Things Have Been Okay.

A young couple was becoming anxious about their four-year-old son, who had not yet talked. They took him to specialists, but the doctors found nothing wrong with him.

Then one morning at breakfast the boy suddenly blurted, "Mom, the toast is burned."

"You talked! You talked!" shouted his mother. "I'm so happy! But why has it taken this long."

"Well, up till now," said the boy, "things have been okay."

中文：

一对年轻的夫妇对于他们四岁的儿子仍然不会说话这件事非常着急。他们带他去看专家，但是医生们找不出任何不正常的地方。

之后有一天早上，这个男孩突然说道：“妈妈，面包拷糊了。”

“你说话了!你说话了!”他的妈妈嚷道。“我真高兴!但是为什么要我们等这么长的时间呢?”

“嗯，直到现在，”男孩说，“每件事都很正常啊。”

关于搞笑的英语短文：欺骗的代价 The Revenge

Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."

Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."

Johnson: "But I want you to."

雀早Wife: "But why?"

Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"稿配

译文：

老农约翰逊就要死了。他的家人都站在床边。他声音低沉地对妻子说：“我死后，我想你嫁给农夫琼斯。”

妻子说：“不，在你死后，我不能嫁给任何人。”

约翰逊：“但我希望你这么做。”

妻子：“为什么?”

约翰逊：“因为琼斯曾在一笔贩马的交易中欺骗了我。”

『玖』 求10篇英语阅读（高一），越短越好，要答案

AEarly one morning, more than a hundred years ago, an American inventor called Elias Howe finally fell asleep. He had been working all night on the design of a sewing machine but he had run into a very difficult problem: It seemed impossible to get the thread to run smoothly around the needle.Though he was tired, Howe slept badly. He turned and turned. Then he had a dream. He dreamt that he had been caught by terrible savages whose king wanted to kill him and eat him unless he could build a perfect sewing machine. When he tried to do so, Howe ran into the same problem as before. The thread kept getting caught around the needle. The king flew into the cage and ordered his soldiers to kill Howe. They came up towards him with their spears raised. But suddenly the inventor noticed something. There was a hole in the tip of each spear. The inventor awoke from the dream, realizing that he had just found the answer to the problem. Instead of trying to get the thread to run around the needle, he should make it run through a small hole in the center of the needle. This was the simple idea that finally made Howe design and build the first really practised sewing machine.Elias Howe was not the only one in finding the answer to his problem in this way.Thomas Edison, the inventor of the electric light, said his best ideas came into him in dreams. So did the great physicist Albert Einstein. Charlotte Bronte also drew in her dreams in writing Jane Eyre.To know the value of dreams, you have to understand what happens when you are asleep. Even then, a part of your mind is still working. This unconscious(无意识的), but still active part understands your experiences and goes to work on the problems you have had ring the day. It stores all sorts of information that you may have forgotten or never have really noticed. It is only when you fall asleep that this part of the brain can send messages to the part you use when you are awake. However, the unconscious part acts in a special way. It uses strange images which the conscious part may not understand at first. This is why dreams are sometimes called “secret messages to ourselves”.1..According to the passage, Elias Howe was________.A. the first person we know of who solved problems in his sleepB. much more hard-working than other inventorsC. the first person to design a sewing machine that really workedD. the only person at the time who knew the value of dreams2.The problem Howe was trying to solve was________.A. what kind of thread to useB. how to design a needle which would not breakC. where to put the needleD. how to prevent the thread from getting caught around the needle3.Thomas Edison is spoken of because________.A. he also tried to invent a sewing machineB. he got some of his ideas from dreamsC. he was one of Howe’s best friendsD. he also had difficulty in falling asleep4.Dreams are sometimes called“secret messages to ourselves” because___.A. strange images are used to communicate ideasB. images which have no meaning are usedC. we can never understand the real meaningD. only specially trained people can understand themBLanguage learning begins with listening. Children are greatly different in the amount of listening they do before they start speaking, and later starters are often long listeners .Most children will “obey” spoken instructions some time before they can speak, though the word “obey” is hardly accurate as a description of the eager and delighted cooperation usually shown by the child .Before they can speak, many children will also ask questions by gesture and by making questioning noises.Any attempt to study the development from the noises babies make to their first spoken words leads to considerable difficulties. It is agreed that they enjoy making noises, and that ring the first few months one or two noises sort themselves as particularly expressive as delight, pain, friendliness, and so on. But since these can’t be said to show the baby’s intention to communicate ,they can hardly be regarded as early forms of language. It is agreed, too, that from about three months they play with sounds for enjoyment, and that by six months they are able to add new words to their store. This self-imitation（模仿） on to deliberate（有意的）imitation of sounds made or words spoken to them by other people. The problem then arises as to the point at which one can say that these imitations can be considered as speech.It is a problem we need to get out teeth into. The meaning of a word depends on what a particular person means by it in a particular situation and it is clear that what a child means by a word will change as he gains more experience of the world .Thus the use at seven months of “mama” as a greeting for his mother cannot be dismissed as a meaningless sound simply because he also uses it at other times for his father, his dog, or anything else he likes. Playful and meaningless imitation of what other people say continues after the child has begun to speak for himself, I doubt, however whether anything is gained when parents take advantage of this ability in an attempt to teach new sounds .5.Before children start speaking________.A.they need equal amount of listeningB.they need different amounts of listeningC.they are all eager to cooperate with the alts by obeying spoken instructionsD.they can’t understand and obey the alt’s oral instructions6.Children who start speaking late ________.A.may have problems with their listeningB.probably do not hear enough language spoken around themC.usually pay close attention to what they hearD.often take a long time in learning to listen properly7.A baby’s first noises are ________.A.an expression of his moods and feelingsB.an early form of languageC.a sign that he means to tell you somethingD.an imitation of the speech of alts8.The problem of deciding at what point a baby’s imitations can be considered as speech________.A.is important because words have different meanings for different peopleB.is not especially important because the changeover takes place graallyC.is one that should be properly understood because the meaning of words changes with ageD.is one that should be completely ignored（忽略）because children’s use of words is often meaningless 9.The speaker implies________.A.parents can never hope to teach their children new soundsB.children no longer imitate people after they begin to speakC.children who are good at imitating learn new words more quicklyD.even after they have learnt to speak, children still enjoy imitatingCThe greatest recent changes have been in the lives of women. During the twentieth century there was an unusual shortening of the time of a woman’s life spent in caring for children. A woman marrying at the end of the 19th century would probably have been in her middle twenties, and would be likely to have seven or eight children, of whom four or five lived till they were five years old. By the time the youngest was fifteen, the mother would have been in her early fifties and would expect to live a further twenty years, ring which custom, chance and health made it unusual for her to get paid work. Today women marry younger and have fewer children. Usually a woman’s youngest child will be fifteen when she is forty-five and is likely to take paid work until retirement at sixty. Even while she has the care of children ,her work is lightened by household appliances（家用电器）and convenience foods.This important change in women’s way of life has only recently begun to have its full effect on women’ s economic position. Even a few years ago most girls left school at the first opportunity and most of them took a full-time job. However, when they married, they usually left work at once and never returned to it. Today the school-leaving age is sixteen, many girls stay at school after that age ,and though women tend to marry younger ,more married women stay at work at least until shortly before their first child is born. Many more after wads, return to full or part-time work.Such changes have led to a new relationship in marriage, with both husband and wife accepting a greater share of the ties and satisfaction of family life, and with both husband and wife sharing more equally in providing the money and running the home, according to the abilities and interest of each of them.10.We are told that in an average family about 1990________.A.many children died before they were fiveB.the youngest child would be fifteenC.seven of eight children lived to be more than fiveD.four or five children died when they were five11.When she was over fifty, the late 19th century mother________.A.would expect to work until she diedB.was usually expected to take up paid employmentC.would be healthy enough to take up paid employmentD.was unlikely to find a job even if she is now likely12.Many girls, the passage says, are now likely to ________.A.marry so that they can get a jobB.leave school as soon as they canC.give up their jobs for good after they are marriedD.continue working until they are going to have a baby13.According to the passage,it is now quite usual for women to ________.A.stay at home after leaving schoolB.marry men younger than themselvesC.start working again later in lifeD.marry while still at school 参考答案:CDBAB DABDD DDC 帮你找了一些 字数限制传不上来 要是不够可以到这儿找 http://hi..com/jnm370480388/blogO(∩_∩)O~